If there is one thing I have learned about marriage it's this:
If you can dish it out you better be able to take it.
From your husband AND his friends.
“Hello. My name is Mike and I have a problem.”
Getting married is tough.
Not that I have any experience with matrimonial difficulties personally because I don’t.
It’s other people getting hitched that led me here.
I now share my best friend with a certain Broadcast Journalism major who moonlights as a Sweet Tooth Fairy.
You may know her.
5’3”… blonde… cute… impeccable fashion sense?
Don’t get me wrong. She’s great. Fantastic even. Absolutely perfect for him. She’s Stockton, he’s Malone, etc, etc.
(Not that I could say any differently, given the editor of this publication.)
All I know is it is a tricky thing trying to keep tabs on my best friend
now that he has do grown-up, married man things like “shower,” “say excuse me,” and “earn a living.”
But desperate times call for desperate measures, and I soon discovered a conduit into my friend’s life.
‘Twas in a vast online world largely unexplored by the Y-chromosome toting segment of the population…
Karly’s blog.
Before I go on, let me get a few things on record.
(From what I’ve seen, this is how things are done in the blogging world. Correct me if I’m wrong, cyberwomen)
(1) HOW WE MET:
Unlike James and Karly, I didn’t meet JB “by the sea,” unless you count a huge mob of fellow freshman waiting in a New Student Orientation line for sack lunches a “sea.”
Long story short, we decided to skip out and hit the Cannon Center cafeteria instead.
Best friends ever since.
(2) SHARED INTERESTS:
OMG, pretty much EVERYTHING!!! LOL. Totes. J ;)
(Please note superfluous use of abbreviation,
unnecessary capitalization, and multiple exclamation points.
To be honest, I felt bad about not using any smiley-face emoticons up to this point,
so I threw in the winky-face as a peace offering.)
[C’mon Mike, seriously?] Alright, fine. Umm… ESPN, sports, soccer, football, PwC, stock market, business ideas.
I don’t know – just dude stuff. Oh, and the band Incubus. We don’t really listen to their music, but the fact that they’re making it – we respect that.
(3) HOW WE’RE DIFFERENT:
He’s married. I’m not. And have you seen this kid’s hair? Betcha he makes more headlines than Bieber if this JB ever changes up the do.
I’ll stop there with the introductions. I’d like to present a few thoughts in response to the author’s “STIYM Time” posts
S.T.I.Y.L. TIME
[ noun \ˈstīle\ \ˈtīm\]
Stats.To.Impress.Your.Lady
(1) Anthropologie
Yeah, guys, I know what you’re thinking.
Why did they misspell it?
Nobody I’ve talked to really knows,
but scholars maintain that the actual translation was lost hundreds of years ago.
Alas, glaring typographical errors only seem to increase a shop’s allure to your female counterpart.
Recommendation:
Walk silently into the store holding your lady’s hand.
Upon entering, make several positive remarks about the store’s “ambiance” and “feng shui”
[pronounced “fung-shway”]
(Note: I have no idea what either really means, but just use the words several times interchangeably and pose thoughtfully as if appreciating modern art. A pensive sigh is also acceptable, but should not be overused.)
The first five minutes in the store are critical.
Do not – repeat,
do not- look at any price tags,
even when gleeful reference is made to said article of clothing
“finally being on sale.”
Trust me on this, fellas.
After five or so minutes, quietly find a way to separate yourself from your lady without making a scene.
I like to pretend I see something interesting – perhaps something “on sale”
[use of these words may remove suspicion] –
all the way across the store, and excitedly hurry off into retail oblivion.
Make your way to one of their couches.
These gems may be the only male-inspired décor in the store and consider them a tender mercy.
The store also has a trove of pricey children’s books you can look at –
I’d suggest one of the Dr. Seuss titles.
Avoid eye contact and any sudden movements around roaming female salesgirls
as their vision is based primarily on movement.
When your lady finally finds you, genuinely appear relieved that you’ve been reunited.
Try something like, “I’ve been looking all over for you!” or
“Let’s see what you’ve picked out!”
while attempting to sneakily shove the now-read copy of Green Eggs and Ham into the seat cushion.
Again, do not look at price tags.
Other things that could be “explained” from a male perspective:
Shopping
“Sales”
Brand names
Menstrual cycles
Hair products
The Bachelor
Food Channel shows
Yoga (girl workouts)
